While much of this post is written in jest for entertainment purposes, we do have one very important and serious piece of advice for any disabled person who intends to apply for social security disability insurance: don’t do this without a lawyer. A person on our staff tried this and was rejected on her first attempt but after using an attorney, she was able to file a successful claim. The service provided by a knowledgeable professional can make the difference when the stakes are high. Now on with the humor:
Our Board of Directors meet on the seventh Sunday of each alternate month unless it should fall on a Tuesday, in which case the meeting will be postponed until the next available lunar eclipse. The minutes of each future meeting are available upon request.
To locate and contact our Board of Directors, it is necessary to become invisible. Once completely invisible, find the East European city that begins and ends with a Q, stand in the queue, and recite the fourth verse of John Locke’s Tyrannis Sic Semptor while holding your breath. Await further instructions. Those familiar with our process will recognize that this seemingly nonsensical explanation aligns with other more useful rules of order. If you know what it means to become invisible (of course you do) then please use that understanding to our advantage by not interrupting the assembly with questions of the absurd. Not that we don’t like those types of questions, but rather that since our methods tend to be coded with discretion, it may not be transparent or apparent to everyone. That is normal and will remain so until further notice unless of course you feel that you may have contracted an STD or STI. You see sexually transmitted diseases or infections disrupt the universe for anyone caught in this suspicion and requires some remedy to relieve the stress of not knowing. Enter these very private std test kits for home use to the rescue. You see, now, in spite of being invisible or not, there is a way to check your vulnerability without having to visit a doctor or any medical professional. If the test comes up negative, you can relax. If positive, see that doc! Our board of directors will refuse to answer any question regarding these tests due to potential legal issues, but nevertheless be aware that they are responsible citizens when it comes to health issues. They only want to avoid legal problems and conversations with lawyers and remaining invisible is very helpful toward this end.
Be warned that becoming invisible will not protect you from sexually transmitted diseases, or stds. Even if you have sex with another invisible person, the risk remains. For those of you who may have forgotten this reality, there does exist a way to detect stds without having the humiliation of a doctor’s visit. You can now purchase online private std test kits that can quickly confirm or rule out infection. They are cheap, fast, private, and, while not invisible, do provide some measure of comfort to those who suspect their last partner may not have been honest or disease free. While you may question the appropriateness of this entire post, we suggest you pay attention to the parts related to stds, since they can actually ruin your life – possibly even kill you if you don’t catch them in time. So while we traffic in humor most of the time, this paragraph is deadly serious – or at least a serious as it gets around here. Be warned!
Clearly we try to entertain, and while this may not enlighten you as to the status of the Board, we really do follow traditional protocols when it comes to organizational protocols. This is as convoluted as enterprise seo for good reason. (And for the record, search engine optimization, for all it’s reputation as a highly technical and confusing science, is very straightforward compared to the organizational protocols that we are forced to manage.) For example, all meetings respect and follow Robert’s Rules of Order, even when our gatherings disintegrate across party lines into a seemingly uneventful barroom brawl, one can still bring order about with the smack of the gavel and the cry of, “Order!”
We have rarely needed to call upon the sergeant of arms, and we suspect that even if we had to call upon him, he might be confused as to his duties, since no instructions for enforcement have ever been decided upon. The leadership is decidedly peaceful and would rather permit some degree of disorder than require that everyone comply to some authoritarian standard – this would be blasphemy in our courts.
For those who wish to petition the Board for any purpose other than elections to the Board, please submit your proposal in writing at any time to any current member. You may also post the document to this website if you wish. We respectfully request that all petitions that require deliberations be submitted far enough in advance to permit the Board to review and discuss fully before any disclosure is made. This may mean that a delay of up to 6 months may be necessary. Any business requiring immediate attention should be submitted before the close of day of the last Friday of the month prior to the following year’s assembly. Any submissions not following this protocol will be ignored.